I did something tonight that I have never done before...and I am incredibly proud of what I've done. I threw the schedule and the strict routine and constant adherence to "the way it's done around here" right out the window. I put the baby to bed and snuggled on the couch for a Girl's Night with Erin and Meghan. Popcorn for them, a glass of wine for me, lights turned off and we watched Ratatouille from start to finish. I put them to bed at about 9:00 instead of 7:30. I carried them each individually up to the bathroom, and tucked them each into their bed where they each placed their heads on their pillows, said goodnight, and rolled over.

It was the nearest thing to heaven...I say, fully acknowledging that I am ripping off one of the greatest lines from one of the greatest love stories ever told. (An Affair to Remember.)

I enjoyed the bejeezus out of my big girls tonight. Pete had to work late tonight, something that (thankfully) never happens on a Friday night. So I took the opportunity to make it a special night for the three of us. I've been sitting back watching the threads unravel between me and my older daughters for the past couple of weeks, and they constantly tell me "It's because Elizabeth gets all the attention!" I hear this, get my back up and usually get quietly pissed off...because what the hell am I supposed to do? Liz is in that crazy third child toddler stage right now, where you cannot take eyes off of her. She's a beast. She climbs, she crashes, she is constantly within an inch of her life. So I have been blowing off Erin and Meghan's complaints about #3 because I've thought of it as much more of a trump card than a genuine expression of emotions.

But it's really how they feel. They feel lonely, left out. They feel as if I don't think they are as important to me as they used to be. And in those places in their little, brilliant minds, they might begin to doubt my love for them. My heart breaks when I think of how real their pain and suffering has been about this. Especially given the very public mommy-burnout from which I've been suffering and how completely screwed up everything had been around here. So little positivity. So little patience. So much yelling and fighting and general distress.

We can't go on like this. We're too good as a family to go through all of this. And they are so wonderful, these little girls. I realized as I thought about all of this that I have been missing my time with them as much as they have been missing me. I love Lizzy, obviously, but having two that are a bit more self-sufficient and then this one who is a loon is quite a juggling act. So I thought to myself, what if I make it appear that I'm getting the baby "out of the way," so to speak, so that the three of us can do something special? Perhaps this is manipulative, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Last night at bedtime (a time of day which historically sucks, in a biblical sense, due to them being defiant and me wanting everyone to be comatose) I told them that if we could have a pleasant night last night and morning this morning, we could do a Girl's Night while Daddy was working late. They were tickled! And for the most part, bedtime was a breeze last night. I then decided that a key to success the next morning would be a conscious choice to lower my expectations about how the morning should progress. Getting out the door to take Erin to school is another time of day which has been sucky...like since September. So if the beginnings and the ends of every weekday suck, and two out of three are in school for much of the in-between times, that doesn't say much for our group dynamic, does it? Maybe because they feel that our group has not only been splintered, but it's had another member inserted into it (in their appropriately egocentric minds) and they feel less important.

So I took the bull by the horns and began to chill the hell out this morning, and reminded them that I was really hoping we could earn our Girl's Night, all together, by having a great day. And we did it! We were out the door ten minutes earlier than usual...and all I had to do was not expect everything and everyone to be ready and perfect in my eyes. I also did not yell. So what if Meghan got in the car still in her PJ's? She didn't have to go to school until lunchtime. She had shoes and a coat on, for heaven's sake...and a smile on her face! Unprecedented for 8:30 am! And so what if Erin wore an outfit other than what she'd set out the night before? She was comfy and ready to take on the day in her pink sweat pants and sweat shirt! Her teeth were brushed, as was her hair, she ate a good breakfast and had her backpack packed up and ready to go! Girl's Night was a go.

We purchased (financed, I should say) furniture for our family room right around Labor Day. And we did so because we said we really wanted to have a room with furniture that we could all cuddle up on to have a family movie night. That was the main purpose. Well that was back in September...and tonight was the first time I actually turned off everything else, put my feet up and snuggled with my babies since we bought that furniture almost six months ago. It is in these moments, so full of realization and opportunity for improvement, that I am grateful for forgiving kids and the power of introspection. They felt so loved to have their mommy to themselves...and frankly, I felt all the wonderful feelings of motherhood in those two hours, feelings that had been escaping me lately. It was just the three of us for a long time before Lizzy came along...and I didn't realize how much I have missed that group dynamic. Not to say that I want to leave Liz out, or continue the splintering that will inevitably take place with three daughters. I just loved having the time to spend with them. And loved the thought of the years of Girl's Nights to come, in this lifetime, just me and my daughters.