Buckle up...this post takes my blogging a new level of "personal"

I started thinking this week about my own cluelessness (at times) about my girls. It is often a wonder to me that my children have survived as long as they have with me as their mother. I've been sitting back for over a month wondering why Lizzy isn't sleeping, why her reflux is acting up, why she seems so uncomfortable. Then I realized that she is now ten months old and probably doesn't need to be eating every hour and a half to two hours. Honest to God, between the bottles and the meals, this poor kid has had more food dumped into her gullet than is either reasonable or necessary. So I tweaked her feeding schedule and got her back on reflux meds, and lo and behold...she is sleeping, eating and feeling better. It is a wonder.

It is still amazing to me that as soon as you think you have everything figured out with babies, and older kids, too, that is when it changes all over again. You get into a groove, everyone is on a schedule, and ... KABOOM. Something happens to turn it all upside down and you have to go back to the drawing board. Such is the life of a mommy. And hopefully, we can do our best to pay attention and figure out these puzzles. It is astounding that we, as mothers, are able to fall into the role of puzzle and problem-solvers without any training as soon as these little people come to us, so trusting and so totally dependent.

As for me, I have been trying to do some soul-searching and self-analysis. (This could be dangerous, I know.) I've been thinking that I'd like to fit in a part-time job, hopefully something that I can do from home or in the evening hours, whether it is a direct sales business or data entry. Just something. Then I start wondering why I am wanting to work, other than the obvious "it would be nice to have some extra cash for Christmas," when I have so much to do here and I never get it all accomplished. So then it occurred to me the other day that it might, very possibly, be so that I can distract my biological clock for awhile because I have also been having daydream, fantasy thoughts about having another baby. This is crazy, I realize, so if you are a reader (and/or my mother) and feel the need to comment about my fertility, you should absolutely feel free to do so. But you should know that I am already aware that this notion catapults past the line of silly into the abyss of crazy. I know my plate is full. I know we are blessed with three healthy babies. I know that we were not always so sure that that would be the case. I know I'd probably fret and worry every second of another pregnancy to the detriment of my other children. I know, I know, I know. But I love my family and love being a mommy and I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not quite finished yet. We have been able to make happy home and a really good marriage, despite the stress that everyone else shares commonly in this phase of life, and I think it's probably the kind of home that should grow a big family. And everyone I know who doesn't want more kids knows, unequivocally, that they do not want more kids. I do not know that to be the case yet. So I was just thinking that maybe the distraction of a part-time job and getting myself very involved at the kids' schools might be just the thing to give this tick-tocking a little time to sort itself out.

I would be remiss, in this confession of sorts, if I didn't also admit the following: I feel a little cheated that my last baby was taken away from me and I missed the first two months of her little newborn life. I lay in the mother and baby unit in the hospital after her birth alone, and discharged myself less than twelve hours later. That just totally sucked. And I feel robbed because I was actually able to establish a milk supply for her, and would have been able to nurse her, but she was only able to nurse from me for a total of five minutes the entire six weeks that I was pumping. I so wanted to know what it was like to nurse a baby. I hadn't done it for Erin and Meghan, just hadn't put forth the effort or done the research ahead of time. And I did it for Lizzy, through my whole pregnancy, I read and researched and committed that I would do whatever it took to make nursing a success for both of us, not knowing what life had in store for us. And then it didn't work.

So I guess I am carrying disappointment around with me about the fact that I didn't have those very special experiences with her, and maybe subconsciously I am trying to give myself another chance. I do feel like there's a bit of unfinished business in my head. Not rational or responsible thinking, I know, which is why I'm trying to wade through these thoughts and get to the bottom of them, rather than just saying "Yes, I definitely want to have another baby!" and then badger Pete into submission. All this being said, the one fact that does remain is that I am not saying, at any time, "I know I do not want any more." So I guess I have to tease out these different scenarios and give myself some time, mentally, to truly figure out the answer, the right answer, for me, for us.

Poor Pete. He just wants to travel and have some peace. And he had to marry me and my crazy ovaries. Poor, poor Pete.

OK, out of the deep and into my shout out to my ladies at Book Group. We had our first meeting last night during which time we discussed a mutually read book (Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert) and it was awesome to be surrounded by friends, and have us all discuss our different views about this book. What a discussion it was. Everyone participated and the discussion exceeded my expectations. It was so excellent to have read this book (which I absolutely loved!!) and have my brain working again about something other than the reflux, vomit and poop of other people. And we selected our next book and set a date for next month, which means that this group is actually happening and we might keep it going for awhile. How balanced I feel! I cannot wait for next month.

In conclusion to all this rambling...Happy Halloween! It should be a beautiful evening here...I hope everyone has a safe and happy day.