Looking for the Light

The past week has been one of great mental struggle. I am stuck back in the NICU, smelling the smells, hearing the monitors and bells and alarms, listening to the doctors rounding on their little patients lying in steel cribs, hooked up to monitors and IV poles. And I cannot shake the memory of walking with my baby's bed as it is wheeled into the operating room, giving consent to irresponsible doctors to open her up and attempt to fix her intestines...and then walking out and leaving her there, not knowing if I would see her alive again. And then doing it all over again when the surgeon did not do it correctly the first time.

I wonder when these memories will be no more than memories, instead of these vivid realities that insist on gripping onto my shoulders, shaking me and shouting in my face, reprimanding and punishing me like a child for all my wrong-doings and mistakes I have made. I cannot understand why this life is so cruel that my innocent child would be forced to endure such pain and suffering before she ever took her first breath of fresh air beyond the walls of a hospital. I suppose this is why the memories are still walking with me through my days and nights. I have not reached a peaceful place with what happened to my child, to my family, to my life. And perhaps if I write, I will get there.

She is so strong and determined. So brave. And she had no choice to be anything but that. And that angers me. It is of some consolation when people tell me she will never remember her experience in that hospital. But I do not entirely believe it. I feel that it will stay with her in some way, continuing to solidify her strength of mind, body and spirit. It will always effect her and has contributed to who she is. It will always be the place from where she came. Her survival is miraculous and the way she is thriving is inspirational. I take my cue from her, from all of my girls. If they can rebound and go on after everything that we took on as a family, then I can, too. I just hope that these dark places become brighter as the time passes us by. The darkness is paralyzing. The only thing that lightens it is being blessed enough to spend all my days witnessing the growth in my daughters and the healing in Elizabeth.